The Six Million Dollar Man

Who comes next in Crushville, circa 1970s, after Captain Kirk?

Spock?

Yes.

OK. Who next?

STEVE AUSTIN, of course! The Six Million Dollar Man.

Just now, I'm finding out that I was not alone, way back when in grade school, with my heavy hots for STEVE AUSTIN, The Six Million Dollar Man. In recent years, more than one of my intellectual perverted girlfriends has admitted to having had BIONIC CRUSHES on STEVE AUSTIN, just like me.

"Da da da daaaaaaa, da da da da da da da da daaaaaaaa......" plays the music, as I run slow-motion through my mind field, toward STEVE. "Shht-t-t-t-t-t-t...!" --or however you spell that "sound effect" produced when Steve lifts an airplane off someone, throws a steel girder, or leaps a chasm---"Shht-t-t-t-t-t-t..." goes that sound effect, as he lifts me up, and carries me off to his six million dollar make-out pad.

She's breaking up! She's breaking up!

We can rebuild him. We can make him better. Stronger. Faster.

Oh, how those words filled me with ecstatic bliss each week, knowing I would soon see images of Steve Austin, who, you really couldn't compare with Captain Kirk, because they were in totally different time zones. HOWEVER, they WERE both "astronauts." Interesting! Strange! That never occurred to me before. What is this thing called "love?"

Anyway, my fellow intellectual perverted girlfriends and I never discussed this, but I'd be willing to bet SIX MILLION DOLLARS that they wondered, like me, if Steve had had a bionic.... a bionic....

Did Steve Austin have a bionic....

NO NO NO! This is a "family blog!" I WILL NOT go there, and YOU CAN'T MAKE ME!

And yet, I wonder....

I'll bet they replaced it with some cheap, off-the-shelf, vibrating thing. Otherwise, he would have cost Seven Million.

The Seven Habits of Highly Infective People

By Karen Kay Remus Covey Pasteur Shatner
Copyright 2010

WARNING:
The following habits are WAY GROSS to those who do not practice them. Please read at your own risk, preferably with a barf bag in close reach.

#1
Seldom washing any body part--especially hands

#2
Coughing, sneezing, and/or vomiting* uncovered onto others

#3
Picking nose

#4
Eating it
(and offering uneaten portions to bystanders)

#5
Wiping nose and/or mouth with tissue, then immediately wiping public food preparation counter with SAME TISSUE**

#6
Having unprotected sex with multiple anonymous partners--especially with "that gooey stuff always leaking out of" and/or "those funny looking/itchy things on or in" key parts of sex machine.

#7
Health care or food preparation employee wearing same pair of vinyl or rubber gloves ALL DAY FOR EVERYTHING.

*Just learned that this one is punishable by JAIL--AS SHOULD BE ALL THE REST!

**Actually witnessed this one at a Subway (fast food sandwich chain).

Hey, William Shatner and/or his people: are you getting all of this?! What do you think? Talk to me. Read my older posts too. Don't be shy. Bill, Darling, I know you're not shy.

PS: I love you