The Wiener Effect

By Karen Kay Remus, Copyright 2011


Dear Reader, if you have read and enjoyed this spotty, on-again-off-again blog, I would first like to apologize for its being mostly "off" in nature. Part of that is due to the fact that my head exploded (please see 4/1/11 entry). I would next like to apologize for what I am about to write...


The Multifaceted Wiener Effect and The Wienerization of Modern American Culture and Politics.

Eh hem... First, we all know that everybody loves a wiener, and especially a wiener scandal. Everyone also knows that a Congressman named Wiener twittered his boxer-clad wiener into digital immortality.

We cannot blame the congressman for his action, because his surname predestined him to do so. Furthermore, the begging and pleading of numerous women online to "SHOW US YOUR WIENER!" left him absolutely no option but to do just that. It is a confirmed law of nature that a man who is given such a request MUST comply or die trying.

If we cannot blame the man then who can we blame? Let's blame his ancestors who bore the name Wiener. Why would anyone keep such a name? Pride? As in, "I come from a long line of Wieners." Or, "I am Wiener, son of Frank." Or, "Polish the silver and get out the best china: the Wieners are coming," or "Weiner takes all." Personally speaking, if my last name were Weiner, I would change it. To "Smith" or something. Would somebody named Smith ever voluntarily change their name to Wiener? Not a chance. But there are those who claim to "wish they were an Oscar Meyer Wiener," so "everyone would be in love" with them (and eat them--but that's a whole nuther can of psychological worms). There is definitely a connection between name and destiny. Perhaps I should change my last name to Genius-Billionaire.

But back on the wiener track... What if Congressman Wiener's daughter grows up to marry a guy with the last name Schnitzel and chooses to have a hyphenated last name?

OK. Enough for now about the name. Let's look at the man. I mean REALLY SCRUTINIZE him and notice that he has a nice body and a decidedly goofy-looking face. The only things that can override a face like that in the attractiveness department are: power, money, success, popularity/fame, intelligence, and humor. Wiener has all of those things now, but back in high school, with his hormones at their raging worst, you can bet it was a different story entirely. He probably couldn't get a date to save his life. So now that he's paid his academic and political dues, worked hard, buffed up at the gym, gotten some nice suits, and attained all of those face-overriding qualities, he IS MAKING UP FOR LOST HIGH SCHOOL TIME. He has in fact regressed to high school mentality, sexting, and enjoying those naughty pleasures he'd been denied as a teenage dweeb named Wiener. This happens all the time.

To be continued...