Me, Paul, and Elvis

Dear Reader,

As of this writing, I can tell you this about me, Paul McCartney, and Elvis Presley: Paul and I are alive, while Elvis is dead. I believe this, despite rumors to the contrary about both Paul and Elvis. No one makes rumors about my death, as far as I know.

Back in the 70s, when Paul was perhaps at the pinnacle of aliveness, rumors surfaced that he was dead. "Clues" as to his death were supposedly hidden in Beatle songs and album covers. "Oh No!" We rabid Beatle fans screamed, "Paul is dead. We miss 'im, miss 'im, miss 'im, miss 'im..." We played parts of songs backwards (because we could, back in the good ol' vinyl days), and searched the Abbey Road album cover, finding such evidence as "28 If (he hadn't blown his mind out in a car)" on a license plate, and the metaphorical pose and dress of the Beatles crossing the road, wherein John = God, Ringo = undertaker, George = grave digger, and Paul = Dead. Everyone knows, of course, that "bare feet = dead."

At the time, I found this mystery darkly intriguing, but looking back as an adult, I can't help but notice the vast lameness and implausibility of it all. I mean, if Paul had really died in a car crash at that point in history, we survivors would have been inundated with ALL PAUL ALL THE TIME for a year or more--just like with Lady Di--only worse. You could not have picked up a paper or magazine, or turned on the radio or TV without having seen or heard the latest about Paul's tragic death, his gigantic funeral, and the horrific toll his loss had taken on fans the world over. Girls would have been leaping off bridges en mass. I would have thought about it, but if I had actually reached the railing thought, "I am doing this WHY?"

Paul's death would not have been covered up and then "leaked" with stupid ass "clues." If it had been covered up and leaked, the clues would have been a lot more blatant. The music would have conspicuously lacked a melodic bass line, and the chorus to Yellow Submarine would have been, "We all live in a yellow Paul is dead."

So now, about Elvis, who John Lennon once said that Paul McCartney resembled. Elvis died in 1982 (I think, correct me if I'm wrong. I'm too lazy to check Wikipedia), but shortly thereafter, rumors started surfacing that he was still alive, and his death had been faked. The "clues" to this rumor included the misspelling of his middle name on his headstone (no one ever fakes death and spells their name correctly on a headstone; it's unlucky), and poorly recorded audio tapes of slurring Elvis impersonators blathering on about how they'd been hiding out in cabins, going to diners, talking to sobbing waitresses, eating fried food, and what not. I must say that "Elvis is alive" was a tad more believable than "Paul is dead."

At that time in the 80s, I really wanted to believe that Elvis was still alive, because it gave me some kind of weird hope. I reasoned that Elvis had become so famous, that his only option for having a "normal existence" at that point was to fake his death. I even wrote a song about it entitled, "EIA." The song was actually kind of catchy.

The idea of Elvis having risen from the dead is consistent with the religious power many people associated with him. Some fans had elevated him to sainthood, perhaps due to his musical crossover into the gospel genre. Religious Elvis fans looked right past his pulsating pumping pelvis into his eternal God and Mama lovin' soul. A righteous man like that simply cannot OD on the crapper!

I guess I should tie this all together now, since I have to go to work. Hmmm... Paul was alive but they said he was dead. Elvis was dead but they said he was alive. I am alive and I have to work at five. And some day we'll all know the root of this jive.